Journey -- (Author) Angelbaby

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Author: Angelbaby
Timestamp: Aug 15, 2015 at 6:52 PM
Content: Alexander Cummins ran a hand through his shock of short blonde hair in frustration. This was not what he wanted at all.

"But Dad!! You're not hearing me! If I can get into school THIS year I can be making loads of money in three years! Isn't that what you want?"

He'd expected or at least hoped his dad would give him money for his tuition. But Tyrone Cummins was taking the wind out of his sails.

"Alex," his dad said patiently. "You aren't ready for school. You have no inclination to stay in school for three years. You need to see life from a different perspective. You're selfish and judgemental. In order to be a good psychiatrist you need to experience what a lot of these kids may be going through."

Lex bristled at the use of "Alex". He wasn't five anymore. His friends called him Lex but to everyone else he wanted to be Alexander. It sounded mature. Alex sounded young and stupid. One more way that his dad made his authority over him known. He curbed the urge to yell. He was 22 and even though he had never worked a day in his life, unless you counted the time he babysat his 10 year old nephew a few years back, he DID have experience!! He had survived high school! What was the big deal? Why should he work first?

His dad had lots of money. And clout. Enough to pay his way through three years of college and then some. His dad could also get him into a good job. Tyrone Cummins had plenty of connections without Lex having to "experience" anything.

No. All he wanted was to get a degree as a pediatric psychiatrist. Make daddy proud, make a shitload of money and then eventually he'd settle down and have a kid of his own. He stopped that train of thought immediately before guilt could eat him alive. Better not to think about that.

"Alex," his dad interrupted his thoughts. "Why did you choose psychiatry if you have no desire to train with real people?"

Lex glared at him but the question remained. Why a psychiatrist? He wasn't sure. It sounded good and they made a hell of a lot of money. Rich parents who didn't know what to do with their spoiled kids would pay him a lot to slap some fancy diagnosis on them so they could get "therapy" and that way the parents didn't have to take responsibility for their offspring and he stood to make good on their stupidity. Somehow he didn't think that answer would satisfy his dad though. Tyrone Cummins might be rich and stubborn but he had a moral bone that Lex didn't understand. Always he wanted to know how it would benefit the little person.

"I'm going for a drive," Lex mumbled, getting up.

"Figure out the answer to my question and we'll talk about tuition, son," his dad said quietly.

Lex slammed the door and hurried out to the four car garage.

He got into his Ferrari and drove down the open road, making the blacktop sing under the powerful car. He hated why questions. They always brought him back to the failures in his life that he didn't want to remember but could never seem to forget.

As he rode down the empty highway out of town the wind in his face helped him calm down and relax. There was one person he trusted enough to talk to about this. One person that would understand. Shay Evans. Despite being a few years older than Lex, Shay was his best friend. Heck, Shay had been the one to steer Lex towards a career in psychiatry. They'd met when Lex had been chosen to participate in a psychology experiment that Shay and his fellow college classmates had performed, using grade twelve students. They had talked about their aspirations and goals in life as part of the program. Shay's easy going nature had attracted Lex to the young man. They had become friends and stayed in contact even after the two month experiment had ended. Lex wanted to be like Shay in some aspects. He couldn't understand Shay's desire to actually help the kind of kids that came through the doors of the public doctors offices though.

Lex wondered if Shay felt he had to help them. He was from a middle class family and had earned his way though college. Unlike Lex, who had always been sent to private schools and been given everything he desired. Until now. He felt his annoyance spring up all over again. Shay was the one person he could talk to about his dad. He always listened and understood.

He checked his GPS for directions to The Sunnyvale Day Home where Shay worked. Lex hadn't understood Shay's career shift halfway through his last year of college. It had something to do with this new place that had been built only two years ago. It had been a full two years since Lex had seen Shay. His studies had taken him to France for a year and then Greece. He'd gotten back a week ago and the plan was to get together this weekend but Lex needed to talk to Shay today! They emailed every day but that wasn't as good as talking face to face.

His eyes followed the unending brick wall that ran tandem with the highway. He slowed down aware that he was here. A wrought iron gate stopped his progress. He eyed the old fellow in the small gate booth, dozing in his chair. Obviously the purring Ferrari wasn't getting his attention. He reached out and rapped sharply on the glass.

The gate keeper slowly sat up, his sharp eyes taking in the sleek silver vehicle and the well-tailored driver. "Mr. Cummins," he said respectfully. "What can I do for you?"

Lex gave grudging respect to his dad for having connections in every corner. It made it easier for him to get into places. "I need to see Shay Evans," he said with slight disdain.

The gates opened noiselessly and he rolled the Ferrari through. He drove past the parking lot and drove right up to the doors. Ignoring the No Parking, Handi Van Only sign he pulled in and got out. A large expanse of green surrounded the large building. There were a few tastefully situated bushes and trees to give shade once they got bigger. Off to one side he saw a playground surrounded by chain link fencing.

Obviously Shay was working with kids here. That was definitely Shay. He loved kids.

He pulled open the glass door and entered, looking around hesitantly. The strong smell of disinfectant hit him like a ton of bricks. He gagged and covered his nose with a well manicured hand. The young secretary sitting behind the desk was watching him.

"May I help you?" she asked, her voice laced with slight sarcasm.

He tried to stare her down but saw only disgust for him in her green eyes. "Shay Evans." His voice was haughtier than he'd intended it to be. It was her fault for making him feel stupid!

The girl shrugged. "What about him?"

Lex was getting fed up. "I need to see him! Don't you know who I am?" A slight grin of satisfaction on her lips made his stomach twist. She had recognized him. Why hadn't she shown him some respect?!

The girl bent over a microphone. "Mr. Evans. To the front desk, please. Mr. Evans. Front desk." She straightened up and motioned to several wine colored chairs set up as a waiting area. "You can wait over there."

Infuriated, Lex walked to the chairs, head high and back stiff. Stupid girl.

He sat for a few minutes. He was the only visitor here. The room was quiet except for the tapping of the girl's fingers on the computer keyboard. Impatiently he pulled a green and white pamphlet out of the rack beside him. "You and Your Child With Autism". He quickly put it back. Yuck. He pulled a different one. "How To Cope With Autism and Down's Syndrome". Another one said "Autism in the First Two Years" Lex was getting a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. What had Shay said when Lex quizzed him about his new job? Or had Lex even asked him? He couldn't remember. This was some weird daycare!

He nearly fell out of his chair when Shay broke into his panicking thoughts. "Lex!! Long time no see!!"

Lex got up but stopped short, his eyes glued to a young boy that Shay was leading towards him. The child walked on wobbly legs gripping Shay's hands tightly.

For a moment Lex's vision blurred and he thought the child was crying. The weak pitiful cry of an infant. He blinked. The youngster was smiling, cuddling into Shay's neck when he was picked up. This was not a normal child! He fought against the pressure in his head. "Shay. You never told me about this." His voice was a lot harsher than he'd intended. Shay didn't seem to notice.

Lex felt Shay grab him in a bear hug and squeeze him tight. Lex tried not to touch the little boy. This child would never grow up normally! IF he even grew up!! He felt the solid little body press against his shoulder. Bile rose into his throat and he pushed away.

"Hey, Shay. You look busy." The infant wailing echoed louder in the back of his head, clamoring for attention. Not here! He tried to focus on Shay. "I can see you Saturday!" He turned to go but Shay grabbed his arm.

"Don't be like that!" he chided. "We haven't seen each other for two years!"

Lex was led to one of the wine colored chairs and he sat, not because he wanted to but because suddenly his knees were weak. He tried to hear what Shay was saying above the screaming in his head. Besides the wailing, there was the screaming voice of the girl he'd once loved. "Do something!! Help my baby!!" It made hearing anything else almost impossible. He fumbled for the ever present bottle of pills in his pocket. Tried to open them but his hands were shaking so bad.

Gentle hands removed the bottle and a moment later, he was handed two small white pills and a paper cup of water. He downed them, desperate for the voices to subside. It only took a few minutes for them to work.

Shay watched his friend anxiously. What had happened to Lex in the last two years? An anxiety disorder? He waited patiently for Lex's silent tears to subside.

A few minutes later Lex regained his composure. "Sorry Shay," he whispered. "This isn't the best place for me to talk."

Shay nodded, concern etched clearly across his face. "Saturday, buddy. We'll talk Saturday."

Lex nodded and stumbled outside to his car, glad to be in the sunshine again. Away from the little boy. He yearned to tell Shay his secret. Why he had reacted the way he had. Why he had an anxiety disorder. But he had promised. Even though he had not seen her in almost three years he would not break that promise. For Faith's sake. His psychiatrist didn't know either. That's why the extensive therapy did no good.

Shay Evans watched his friend leave. He wondered what had happened to Lex in the last two years. The fun loving albeit spoiled kid wore a haunted look now that Shay had never seen before.

He hefted the little boy higher on his hip and started back to Room 205. He would ponder this later. For now he had to feed and change his kids.

　

Lex started for home but decided instead to go for a drive. He didn't want to see his dad right now. As he drove with the wind in his hair and the calmness of the countryside around him his thoughts became less jumbled and he calmed down. He hadn't realized how far he'd gone till he saw the sign for the small town an hour from his hometown. "Emberton, 1 kilometre."

The calm fled and his heart started to pound. "Oh God," he whispered. "Why am I back here?" Two years ago he had been here once and vowed never to return, yet here he was. As if his car had a mind of its own, he took the small street to the edge of town to the cemetery. He was all alone here. Breathing hard, he slammed the Ferrari into "Park" and got out. He walked softly into the graveyard, glancing at the headstones and markers. He was looking for one in particular. It didn't take long to find. His eyes were riveted to the tiny mound of dirt. "Savannah Jane Born May 17 2012 Died May 17 2012" The small marker didn't portray the horrible grief and guilt that Lex felt. He heard the infant wailing loud and clear again. It sounded deafening in the silence and yet he could barely hear it. "Hush baby," he whispered. "Don't cry. Daddy's here." But as always the guilt reminded him that he was here too late. She had died because he hadn't loved her. A thousand knives of guilt pierced his anguished soul and he turned and fled, burying the secret once more.

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Author: Angelbaby
Timestamp: Aug 17, 2015 at 4:16 AM
Content: Thank you I'll try to get the next portion up soon!

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Author: Angelbaby
Timestamp: Aug 21, 2015 at 5:15 PM
Content: Chapter 2

Chapter 2
By Saturday morning, Lex had calmed down. He wanted to talk to Shay about school and was really looking forward to the coffee date. He really hoped Shay wouldn't mention his job. Lex cut off the memory of the little boy. No way! Not here.

He looked around the small coffee shop waiting impatiently for Shay. At least here he wasn't faced with reminders. The muted browns and beiges were designed to put you at ease. This Saturday morning however the place was full. People talking and laughing. He tried to relax. He focused on the fact that his dad wouldn't help him with school. Better to feel the anger than the mind blowing all encompassing anxiety. He stared out at the parking lot. What was keeping Shay??

At long last his friend walked in with a welcoming grin splitting his face. "Lex!! Finally!"

Lex managed a tight smile. "What took you so long?" He tried to make it sound like a joke but it came out harshly. Relaxation was a thing of the past. Anxiety and guilt were his only companions now. Trying to correct his anger he took a deep breath. "I've been dying to talk to you!"

"Just let me grab a coffee," Shay said, eyeing the expansive menu board.

However. once Shay had his latte and Lex had a French vanilla steamer, he didn't know what to say. His concentration was broken by a woman with a small baby sitting at the table next to them.

Shay made small talk for a few minutes and then fell silent waiting for Lex to talk.

Lex desperately wished they could just talk like they used to. Before Savannah. It was a secret that was eating at him but he kept telling himself that if he buried it deep enough, no one else would see. He glanced at Shay's face and saw the concern.

"Lex," Shay said softly, "What happened to you?"

Lex gave him a haunted look. "Nothing. I- I can't talk about it. It's..... I promised someone that I wouldn't tell."

Shay was just trying to help but Lex was starting to feel cornered. He tried to bring up the subject of school. "My dad, he won't pay for my schooling," he blurted out. It sounded childish even to him.

Shay waited for him to explain.

When the baby wailed, Lex jumped as if he'd been shot. "Oh my gosh," he said as he fumbled for the ever-present pill bottle and popped the lid off, spilling the tiny white tablets all over the table. He scrambled to gather them, putting two in his mouth. Even after the pills were picked up he sat, staring at the table top until his nerves started to settle. He felt like everyone was staring at him.

"Are you still going for Psych doctor?" Shay asked into the awkward silence.

Lex nodded. "Yeah. I want to. But my dad. He won't even help."

"Maybe he wants you to get a feel for the job?" Shay asked gently.

Lex shrugged. "I don't know."

Conversation died and the much anticipated visit was short.

As Lex climbed into his car, Shay said," Swing by the dayhome sometime this next week. The home trains potential employees and sends them to school."

Fear bloomed in Lex's eyes, but he only said, "I'll talk to my dad."

Shay wanted to say "But your dad is the one that suggested it," but Lex was gone. Shay was confused. What was wrong with Lex??

When Lex got home, he was interrupted from escaping to his room by a comment from his father.

"I heard you visited Sunnyvale." His dad's statement was not an observation. It was an order to come talk.

Lex hesitantly walked into the sitting room and perched on the edge of a chair. He avoided his father's eyes. Instead he focused on the well tailored suit that he wore. The tasteful gray pinstripe accented the burgundy tie nicely. Lex was startled by the fact that he couldn't remember if his dad had ever NOT worn a suit. What would he look like in a t-shirt and jeans? His father's voice interruptred his thoughts.

"What took you to the dayhome?"

Lex shrugged slightly but didn't answer until his dad cleared his throat loudly. "Alex!"

"Went to see Shay. The guy I'm friends with. He works there," Lex mumbled, getting up.

"We're not done," his dad said in a no nonsense tone.

Lex took a deep breath and sat down again.

"Yes I know Shay. He's very good at his job. What did you think of the home?"

Lex's eyes burned with the effort not to cry. He was never good enough for his dad. "I don't know."

"That's not a good answer."

The silence was leaden. Lex squirmed uncomfortably. "I was only there for a few minutes."

"Isn't Shay the boy who earned his way through school?"

Lex gritted his teeth. Leave it to his dad to remember the one guy out of all his friends who earned his way through college. His gut turned. Was that what this was about? Earning his way through college?

"You want me to pay for college on my own?" Lex asked with a slight sneer.

"Don't give me attitude." Tyrone Cummins' eyes darkened with frustration. "I said nothing about paying for your own college. I want you to learn that YOU aren't the most important person on earth!"

Lex stared at him. "I already know that!"

"You sure don't show it," his father said flatly.

"Faith is more important than me!!" he yelled, itching for an argument now. Then, realizing what he had said he nearly threw up. Why had he said her name??

"Faith. And what faith do you have besides in your own power?"

It took him a second to understand that his dad was talking about the word faith. He relaxed slightly. "I don't know," he said glumly.

The silence stretched out until his dad changed the subject.

"I spoke with the boss at Sunnyvale. Because I'm on the board, they're willing to train you and send you to school in a year's time."

Lex couldn't contain the shudder or the look of distaste. "No thank you."

"I think you should." The tone of finality in Tyrone's voice left no room for argument.

Lex challenged him anyway. "Why? What does that place have to do with being a psychiatrist?"

"I thought you talked to Shay. Didn't he tell you about it?"

Lex clenched his fists. Somehow his dad always made him feel small and stupid. He hadn't asked Shay about the home because he had no desire to know anything about it.

Without waiting for further words from his son, Tyrone said, "The home is for children with mental disabilities and that's largely what psychiatrists do. After speaking with Jeannie Graham, she said they could place you there for a trial run."

"You didn't even ask me!" Lex argued.

His dad stared at him. "If I'd asked you what would your answer have been?"

Lex shrugged and stared at his hands.

Tyrone nodded. "That's what I thought. You start Tuesday."

Lex would have very much liked to throw a temper tantrum. In his head he yelled and screamed at his dad. "How could you?!" But he didn't.

You just didn't argue with Tyrone Cummins after a point. His older brother was a successful lawyer because that was what his father had chosen for him. Of course Braden had been fine with it. And he was good at it.

Lex had wanted to be a psychiatrist but things were spiralling out of control. He just wanted to go to school. Was that too much to ask?

"You'll be ready Tuesday at 8," his dad continued. "Is that clear?"

Lex just nodded slightly and went to his room. Tuesday!! He had to see that little boy! He fell onto his bed and curled into a ball. He groaned in anxiety. What was he going to do?! He would get to see Shay. Maybe even work with him! That thought pierced the cloak of anxiety that threatened to obliterate him. Shay.

He wrote Shay a blistering email to vent and then added, "I guess I'm starting work there Tuesday. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. There's so many things my father doesn't know. But anyway. Guess I'll see you Tuesday." He hit send and then crawled onto his bed sensing that again the voices were starting. He grabbed his pills. He wondered if it would make a difference if his dad did know about Savannah. Maybe he wouldn't be so harsh with him.