Baby On Board Part 5
BABY ON BOARD PART 5
(My TRUE biography)
By the time we'd been married for five years, I was so guilt torn about sneaking behind her back with my fetishes, I could take it no more. I just had to tell her even if it meant loosing her. What we had was cheating both of us from what we should be getting in a relationship.
Then one afternoon I had her sit down with me at the kitchen table and told her I had something very serious to tell her. That it might make her want to leave me. I started by telling her of my childhood and what had happened to me. I was shaking as I struggled to find the strength to expose my darkest secret. A secret that up until now, I had never dared tell anyone, not even my mother. When I finished, she just sat there as though emotionless. I offered to go for counseling or whatever she thought best. So I set up an appointment with the local psychiatric hospital.
After several sessions and hours of written test, they called us both in for a talk. I was really scared but determined to be rid of this curse I had no control of. I was shocked when the doctor said what I had was called a fetish and had been caused by my childhood experiences. He added that they have never had much luck in curing this type of compulsion. That since it was harmless in and of itself, I should just accept it and enjoy it for the pleasure it gave me.
I said fine but what about my wife. How are we going to deal with this as a married couple. He then said something that really bothered me and made me feel he wasn't a very good doctor. He said, "Well, maybe your wife could join you and the two of you could have fun playing babies together." I jumped up and said, "No way!" We left and when we got home, I sat down and we talked about our options. She said she would try and deal with it as long as it wasn't too often.
Over the next several months she let me sleep in diapers a couple of times as I'd been made to do as a child. Then one night, in a rare mood, she offered to diaper me while scolding me like that woman had done. I was ecstatic with excitement at her offer though a little concerned what we were getting into. It was fantastic as I felt shamed and humiliated at being forcing into diapers while being called a bad boy. Afterwards, I had a rush of guilt like never before. The reality of what just happened sunk in and I became fearful this couldn't go on very long as it just wasn't right. I also feared my wife would soon want her needs met too. A need for someone aggressive which I still didn't know how to fulfill. I was afraid she'd feel I get what I want so why shouldn't she.
I slowly withdrew from our baby play times and returned to keeping it to myself. I tried harder to be an assertive sex partner for her but most of the time she seemed unfulfilled. A few times I tried to play at raping her but it seemed so phony and wasn't believable enough to help her fantasies. It also made me feel very uncomfortable because it stood for everything I was against. I now realized why we have always had a hard time with sex.
My being traumatized as a child grew into a fetish desire to relive the trauma by experiencing my shames again and again. Her being raped at sixteen was also a trauma and seemed to have developed into a fetish to be forced into sex or at least be aggressively taken under some resistance. Now I understood. We were much the same in our needs. I wanted to be passive and helplessly forced and so did she.
Neither of us could be aggressive, leaving us both empty and needy. Oh God! What could I possibly do to change this mess. I now understood why people are suppose to date each other for awhile. So they could see if they were compatible for each other. I felt a failure for not being what she needed and yet I couldn't be what I wasn't.
Several more years past as we both accepted our marriage for what it was. I continued with my fetishes as an alternative during the long spells we didn't do anything, sometimes months apart. She got more comfortable with helping me and even added a few new twist to the playing. She would sometimes get a glass of warm water and while telling me what a baby I was for having to wear diapers, she would pour the water on them.
She would then try to laugh and call me a little baby for wetting my diapers. This was my favorite play script though we didn't do it often. I still preferred to have sex with her but felt like a racing car with it's motor racing but not being able to put it in gear. I'd just lay there beside her, frozen for fear of again being rejected. Our lives were a shambles and I was the reason. I was the one who was so screwed up and a failure as a man. Now I was proving I couldn't even face being an adult. I just wanted to die but also too afraid to do that either.
Then as we reached our eleventh anniversary, I got interested in a new craze going around called CB. Everybody was on it and I soon was too. Seeing my wife sitting around the house bored with life, I thought maybe she'd like to talk on it too. What harm would it do for her to meet a few girls to chat with for company. For me, I got involved with a local CB club and sometimes invited a few of them over to the house.
There was one young boy who I became friends with that became a regular caller on the CB. I was working nights at the time and so when I got home, we'd chat for an hour or so before going to bed for the night. One evening when I got home, I felt something wasn't quiet right. I can't explain it, things just didn't seem right. When I entered the house, I heard my wife talking to someone in the back room. Panic filled my senses as I rushed back with alarm. I felt relieved when I saw she was just talking on the radio. I heard this boy on the other end asking for Snow Bunny. I asked her who is Snow Bunny and she said she was. I didn't like it and felt it was too teasing a name for all the jerks out there using the radio to find a quick lay.
"Oh, don't be so suspicious.", she said as though I was just being jealous. I felt guilty for even implying anything could be going on. Still, deep down I continued to feel uneasy. A couple of days later, when I got home just after midnight, I was shocked to find this nineteen year old sitting at the table eating a pizza with my wife. I felt like getting mad and making a scene but I calmed myself down and tried to convince myself she was way too old to be interested in a young boy. What would he want with a woman almost twice his age anyway. I let that sink in as I tried to believe I was just being silly. I joined them and shortly, he left to my relief.
Once in bed, I asked her what was he doing coming over so late and while I was at work. She became angry that I was implying something was going on. Again I felt guilty for having acted jealous and I apologized. The following week, the CB club was looking for another volunteer to host the monthly CB party. Since I hadn't had a turn, I volunteered in trying to show my solidarity and fair support. The night of the party was a nightmare. Twice as many people showed up as invited and my house was being torn apart by spilt drinks and food. Every room was filled with people as I felt panic at trying to keep an eye on so many strangers. About half way through the evening, I happened to enter the den and was shocked to find my wife sitting down on the floor with this nineteen year old resting his head in her lap while she was brushing his hair.
Before I could react, someone hollered fire. I quickly turned to see a plastic bowl melt down on the electric stove. After quickly attending to it, I rushed back to the den but they were both gone. I asked if anyone knew where my wife was and after several inquiries, someone said she just went for a walk. I knew the boy was with her but I couldn't leave the house unguarded. I was trapped as though this was a well thought out plot and everyone there was a part of it. It was almost an hour before they returned. I was fighting my anger though I wanted to explode.
It seemed an eternity before the party thinned out and the last of the guest went home. All except for one, the boy. He claimed he was too sick from drinking and asked if he could sleep on the couch until morning. I didn't want him around and I told my wife but she got mad at me for not being more considerate of him. I finally agreed though I felt I was making a mistake. When we went to bed, I asked her were they had gone walking and she again got mad and told me to just drop it. She turned away and shrugged my touch as I tried to comfort my worries. The drinks soon took their toll and I fell asleep. I don't know why, but I woke up just a couple of hours later and discovered my wife wasn't beside me.
Rushing through the house I found her in the kitchen and the boy was up and sitting at the table. He seemed perfectly sober for having been so drunk just two hours before. Now I was almost positive something was going on as he stood up and said he felt better and needed to get home. After he left, I questioned my wife but she acted cold and distant, refusing to say anything except to be left alone.
The next morning seemed back to normal as she seemed a little friendlier but still not quiet normal. By the time I had to go to work, I was feeling sick to my stomach. Probably from the drinks and the nervousness of what had happened. When I told my wife, I think I'm going to stay home, she became alarmed and kept insisting we needed the money and I needed to try and go. As always, I gave into her arguments and went on to work. About ten that evening, I was so distraught I couldn't work any longer. I just knew something was wrong with the way my wife had acted about my going to work. She seemed almost scared of my staying home.
I didn't even ask permission as I darted out of the building and drove as fast as I could back home. When I got to the top of my street, I pulled over, trying to sort what I was about to do. If I barged in and I was wrong, she would be angry at my suspicions. I was also afraid of being right in my fears. I decided I would just sit there and keep an eye on the house to see if that boy drove up. I waited for almost two hours without seeing anything. I felt I had been a real cad for not trusting her as I started the car and drove into my driveway.
When I entered I saw her sitting on the couch as though everything was normal but something seemed out of place. The TV wasn't on and she never lays down on the couch. There was nothing in the room to give her reason to just be sitting there, not even a telephone. I tried not to show my concern as I went over and tried to give her a hug. She hugged me just for a second and broke away as though I was repulsive to her. I could feel the cold in the air as she went and made me a sandwich before bed.
As we laid down, she immediately turned her back to me and when I reached out, she snapped she was tired and didn't want to be touched. I didn't know what to do or how to handle what was happening. I kept wondering what I had done to cause her to be so distant. It wasn't but a couple of weeks ago when she hugged me close and told me I was all she could ever want. What happened? I was totally confused as I felt she was going through some kind of break down or something.
The next morning I woke to find her standing by the door with her bags packed. "I'm leaving you.", she said in a cold monotone voice. I went into hysterics as I felt my legs give way and I fell to the floor. I was frantic as I grabbed her leg begging her to stay. My whole life was being destroyed and I didn't even know why it was happening. "Get up and stop acting like a child.", she shouted as she pulled herself free. "I love you but not in the right way. I will never love you the way I should." I stood back up, weaving unsteadily as my mind tried to cope. Trying to deal with my worst fear caused me to shut down emotionally and I became mechanical as I took her to the car and loaded the bags.
After dropping her off at her mother's I went back to the house still in disbelief of all that had happened. Though I had seen it coming, I didn't want to believe it but now I had no choice. Still, I wasn't absolutely positive she was having an affair with this young boy. He didn't even have any means of supporting her. What was she thinking, or was she thinking. I tried to call her but the phone was busy. Then I remembered I still had his number and I quickly called it. It was also busy. My worst fears were becoming reality. I kept calling one and then the other until one was clear. I then called the other and it was also clear. Now I knew my suspicions weren't my imagination. I wasn't just being a jealous husband.
I got in the car and drove back down to my mother-in-laws. I tried to see her but they wouldn't let me in. I kept assuring them I mean no harm, I just wanted to talk to my wife for a minute. The door opened as I asked were she was. Going to the bedroom, I found her calmly laid back as though leaving me was no big deal. I sat beside her and said I knew about the boy and asked if she knew what she was doing. "And what about the children?", I asked trying to find out how well she had thought this out. "Don't you worry about them.", she snapped. "Do you love this boy?", I asked. She replied it was none of my business how she felt or who she sees. I felt her anger but didn't know the source. I finally felt I was getting nowhere as I resigned that my marriage was over.
"Let's get this over with. I want you both to tell me this is really what you want and then I'll leave you both alone. "Would you come back to the house and we'll call him over to settle this?", I asked as a final surrender to her wishes. She agreed and followed me to the car. We didn't say much on the long ride home as we both had our thoughts to deal with. As soon as we arrived, I called him and told him I knew what was going on and wanted to settle it out in the open to know where things really stood. He didn't seem worried as he agreed to come over.
When he came in, he sat at the far end of the couch from my wife. I was sitting in the chair just across from them. My heart sank as I watched her get up and go sit close to him almost as a sign of defiance. He just kept quiet and looked down at the floor as she started asking him to marry her. I knew she wasn't in her right mind as we weren't even divorced yet. It was as if she was in some make believe world detached from reality. I should know about that. I spent a good part of my life there myself. After several pleas, he finally spoke up. Looking straight at her, he said, "You know I will still be out every night with other women." She froze for a second trying to understand what he just said. I could see the look of anguish in her face as she became both mad at him and defeated in what she'd done.
She started to scream for him to get out but he just sat there and
gloated at his power over having manipulated her. She demanded he get out as she tried to push him off the couch. I just sat in discuss that she was still the tramp she had been before I knew her. He finally got up and stood by the door looking pleased at the lives he just ruined. I told him to come outside as I followed though I didn't know what I wanted to do or say. Once in the driveway, he turned back and said we could fight right now but it wouldn't change anything. I knew he was right and I couldn't feel angry at him because she had made the choice to wanting him. She was just as guilty and was all I had really cared about. I told him just to go and not to come back. He smiled and said he's come back anytime he wanted to and I couldn't stop him.
I wanted to hit him so hard but my mind was reeling with disbelief this was all really happening. Nothing seemed rational or making any kind of sense. He turned and got in his car and drove away, leaving me standing there bewildered as to how I was suppose to feel or act. I could only feel a numbness and couldn't even think clearly anymore. It was as if my arms and legs had been cut off and there was no gravity to hold me down. My world was falling apart and the pieces were floating all around me.
I went back inside as she sat silent and numb. I sat beside her but she pushed me away. I also acted cold now as I said, "You realize this means you are going to have to go to work to support yourself." She didn't say anything as I got up and told her she could stay there for the night. I was going to a hotel to sort my options. I then left and went into town, feeling ever so empty and dead inside. What I spent eleven years to build had been wiped out in a matter of just a few weeks and by a punk kid at that. I felt such a fool for giving so much of myself and for what. After settling into my hotel room, I tried to gather what I was going to do about the house and bills.
What about my kids, I couldn't desert them to a woman who had so little morals. I was so upset I just couldn't think straight as I tried to get ready for work. I had some tranquilizers from a while back and took two before I left. By the time I arrived at work I was feeling a bit dazed and surreal. Every time the nightmare of what happened crept in, I'd take another pill. I became so drugged, I couldn't do my work and asked to have a few days off. Back at the hotel, burst into tears as my thoughts of my dream girl had turned into a nightmare. I took a couple more pills and quickly passed out, sleeping until the next day.
When I got up I went back out to the house with some hidden hope things would have magically returned to the way they were a few weeks ago but I knew that wasn't possible. By the time I arrived, I had toughened up some and felt I needed to be cold and unemotional if I was going to get through this. She was still distant and firm in her decision to end the marriage. I still wanted to know what had happened to turn our lives inside out as I asked her to sit down and we could have a calm talk. It wasn't long before I told her all I wanted was for her to be honest with me for once. She kept saying it had nothing to do with me. That it was her. I couldn't hold back any longer as I asked her if she'd had sex with this boy.
Before she could deny it, I cut in and said I already knew she did as no one gets that way over another person without something happening. She finally admitted she did as I acted emotionless though I felt my insides shrivel up. I kept asking questions as to how she could throw our family to the wind over an over night fling. She then told me there'd been another guy as well. He was the guy she knew just before I came into her life. She had been seeing him for a couple of years though he was married. She denied they ever had sex though that was all he ever talked about. My heart grew harder and colder as I felt all my feelings turn to stone. She then said the reason she turned to the boy was because she just couldn't bring herself to destroy two marriages at once.
I didn't buy that as it didn't make sense. I felt she was still lying and now I didn't care. Then without warning, I felt overwhelmed with my loss of my whole family and all the dreams I thought we both wanted. Memories of so many good times flashed through my mind as I felt myself give way to overpowering depression and despair. With my mind surrendering to total hopelessness, I felt a rush of wanting to end it all, to escape this uncontrollable nightmare.
I jumped up and ran over to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a large knife. Holding it to my chest, I darted for the nearest wall wanting it to pierce my heart and remove the hurt. Just before I hit the wall, she bumped me aside screaming to stop. Her cry brought momentary belief she still cared as I tried to regain some clarity in my thoughts. But it wasn't her caring I heard but her fear. Still it was enough to stop me.
I just lost all I lived for and couldn't find clarity to cope. In my hopeless despair, I called my mother long distance and told her what happened. I wanted so for someone to tell me things were going to be all right. Instead, she snapped back, "Don't you ever call me again unless the two of you are back together." She then hung up as I felt my last string of worthiness also reject me. As I turned around, I felt my legs go weak and the room grew darker, fading. My last thought was of falling down a deep black well.
When I came to, my wife was leaning over me with concern. That softness of her voice slowly brought me back like some light beam from heaven. But as soon as my head cleared, she returned to her coldness and sat back down. I was so beaten and felt there was nothing left within to hang onto. Just then I remembered hearing about a suicide intervention ad on TV. Looking through the yellow pages, I located it and called as a last desperate pleas to bring some sanity back to my life. I tried to explain what was happening and that I was at the end of being able to cope. The woman made an emergency call and set me up to see a family counselor as soon as I could get there. I told my wife to come with me as we both needed some help.
It took a couple of visits for each of us alone and then he focused on me. My wife seemed to be regaining some sort of rational thinking but was still distant as I continued to have sessions with him. I dumped everything I could think of in trying desperately to find out what happened and what I'd done that was so bad. He told me she had very low self esteem and seemed very angry at me though she wouldn't say why.
I then told him of my fetishes and out sex life asking if that could be it. I tried to explain I preferred her but she had been pushing me away almost since we were married telling me it was her and not my fault. I continued to see him for several months and she would have an occasional visit as well. We stayed in the house together but I slept on the couch.
Then something happened. She suddenly became warm and seemed caring again. I asked her what had happened and she said she could finally see life clearly for the first time in her life. That it was as if it was always muddy and cloudy before, long before I'd come into her life. I was doubtful of anything she said anymore because there were still events she continued to lie about and I knew they didn't make rational sense.
Still, I hung on for a lack of knowing what else to do and not wanting to lose my kids. My whole life was circled around hers as I didn't have a family of my own. Her family was like the family I never had and I felt a strong bond with all of them. To leave would be to give up everything and have nothing left but my mother which would mean returning to my codependency, possibly for the rest of my life. My wife kept trying to get close to me again but I felt she was doing it to manipulate me back so she wouldn't have to go to work to support herself.
She had always been afraid of having to work for a living and this only brought her fears closer to the surface. She started acting as though she really wanted me and that she had somehow resolved some issues she had all her life. She kept saying she was sorry and that she now knew what she wanted. I felt a cold chill as I just didn't trust her. Plus I was having nightmares every night of men lined up at her bed while she looked over and laughed at me. I'd wake up in cold sweats only to realize they weren't nightmares. That she really did sleep around and had been cheating behind my back for over two years. Her every word seemed a lie as I hardened my heart from further hurt.
The counselor told me it would take a couple of years before I would be over the worst of my pain but he was wrong. It took me almost nine long years and I never did quiet return to where we were. Somehow I did manage to again feel close to her but I had lost the dream girl I thought I had married. Sometimes I thought to myself, this woman just looks like my dream girl but she had murdered my wife. Almost fifteen years past now and outwardly we seemed to have found the love in each other as though nothing had ever happened.
Though our sex life returned a little, I never felt the joy and excitement of feeling the closeness and warmth with her again. It was now no more than as if I was masturbating though I never told her that. The meaning of sex between us couldn't feel as that of love but built on lies. It was me who did the pushing away now, not out of revenge but because I couldn't feel the closeness I once felt and yet still missed.
I returned to my fetishes but now without guilt. They brought me more pleasure than she did and helped fill the emptiness I now felt. I slowly found it harder and harder to be aroused by her though many years had now past. I'd still go through crying spells off and on for months at a time and it didn't matter if I was driving home from work or laying in bed beside her at night. I told her I didn't know what was happening but I felt my desire for sex was shutting down and I couldn't stop it.
WRITTEN BY: Cindy Marie