Baby On Board Part 3
BABY ON BOARD PART 3
Baby On Board - Part 3
(My TRUE biography)
When I turned eleven, I finally left the boarding house for good and lived at home with my mother. By the time I reached my teens, I had adjusted to being a loner, spending most of my time with my mother, yet still unhappy with being who I was. I can remember I was still very occupied with studying girls and of feeling such envy at wanting to be one too. There was one event around this time that I still remember to this day so vividly, it still stirs the same pangs of desire in my heart.
I was walking through the center of town and saw this pretty green plaid dress in a dress shop window. It was almost like the dress I had tried on back at the boarding house only it didn't have lace trim on the sleeves or skirt. It did have a white Petter Pan collar and puffy sleeves though and the skirt was very full.
I was so captivated by it that I would go downtown every day just to get to see it. I felt such a yerning to be able to wear it. I went by that store so many times that I began to worry people would notice. I started looking straight ahead as I past the window but would peek out the side of my eyes just to get a glimps. My obsession grew worst with every visit. Then the day came when the dress had been removed from the window and I stopped and stared with dismay. It felt as if my heart had been torn from my body and left a large empty hole.
I couldn't hide my loss as I began to cry. I didn't care who saw me as I turned and cried all the way home. I fell into a deep depression that lasted for several days. My mother noticed something was wrong but I couldn't tell her my secret loss. I eventually focused my attention elseware and things returned to normal. Over the next several months I payed even more attention to the neighborhood girls clothes, especially when they wore a fancy dress for church or some other special event.
Then one evening, as I was walking home from a local playground, I happened to glance up an embankment at some apartments and saw several clotheslines filled with diapers. Instantly, my heart began to race wildly but at the same time a sexual excitement took hold. It frightened and confused me as I'd never had any sexual awareness before. My head began to spin as I felt myself being pulled up the hill. I had no idea as to what I was doing only that some powerful force was directing my actions.
By the time I reached the top my heart was racing out of control. Fear struggled for control yet I was helpless to stop my persuit. Suddenly, I became aware my pants had become a little wet even though I didn't feel any warnings. I was shaking now as my hands uncontrollably reached out and touched several of the diapers. I lost all conscious thought as I blindly followed this strange power that had taken me over. Blindly, I grabbed a couple of the diapers and shoved them into my coat.
As I ran back down the hill, I regained consciousness and became aware of what I had just done. It terrified me because I'd never stolen before and this strange, uncontrollable attraction to diapers seemed really sick. When I got home, I stashed the diapers in my room. Though confused and frightened, I pushed the event out of my mind trying to feel as though it never happened. I couldn't tell my mother I stole anything let alone baby diapers.
I felt I had gone crazy and feared discovery would mean being locked away somewhere. There really is something wrong with me, I kept thinking to myself as I wished I had someone to turn to before I became totally insane. (One important point here is up until this event I had not giving any thought to my earlier punishments in diapers.)
That night after I'd gone to bed, I reflected on what happened earlier and the moment I envisioned the diapers hanging on the clotheslines, I again got excited and my heart pounded so hard I thought I was about to die. Terrified, I found myself shaking from an adrenaline rush as I groped to understand what was happening to me. Suddenly, I had flashbacks to being diapered years before and of how ashamed I had felt standing in front of the other kids while they laughed.
The feelings were intense and felt like I was there again. I was feeling both the excitement of adrenaline running through my veins and the stimulation of being put to shame. I didn't understand why but I wanted to again relive that humiliating day. As though under some mysterious force, I quickly retrieved the hidden diapers and slip them between my legs.
The image of that woman pinning them on me now excited me as I fantasized I was being punished again. I was shaking violently as I felt myself have my very first climax. It felt almost identical to my losing control and again being forced to wet the diapers like I had years before. I didn't know what was happening to me and couldn't tell anyone both because of the shame and because I felt I was really sick in some way and should be put away in a mental institution.
I hurried and cleaned up, returning the diapers to their hiding place in hopes this was the one and only time this would happen. I tried to push it from my thoughts and I finally fell asleep. Several days past as I managed to keep it off my mind. Then one night I woke from a dream about being back in the boarding house only this time I saw the woman at my feet pinning me in diapers while everyone was laughing hysterically.
I again became excited as the urge to be helplessly shamed returned with a vengeance. I again tried to push it from my mind but couldn't as some powerful force seemed to leave me helpless to resist. Once again I fell prey as I gave way to my desires. Afterward, I laid there and cried in despair for I felt I was surely crazy. I felt as helpless to this compulsion as I was years before at the hands of that woman. As this scene repeated itself over and over in the coming weeks, I grew more tolerant of it, feeling I had no other options but to surrender.
Just like having to surrender to whatever that woman wanted to do to me all over again. Struggling to reduce the guilt, I convinced myself it was a blessing and I was lucky to have discovered something that brought such pleasure no one else had. Keep in mind, at this time I knew absolutely nothing about sex and didn't know what was happening to me or that I was developing a fetish.
I never actually wet the diapers but they did become dirty and I managed to wash them a couple of times while my mother was at work. I just had to have some more I thought as I planned a revisit to the apartments. Just as I stuck two more diapers in my coat, the owners came running out of the apartments screaming. I ran down the hill as fast as I could and into the woods. My heart was running wild at the thought of being caught stealing diapers.
The knowledge of my being crazy would be out and the shame of my wearing diapers scared the hell out of me. I managed to get away and vowed never to steal diapers again. I threw away my stash promising to never indulge in this fetish again. Over the next year I tried to emulate the other boys by flirting with girls but it just didn't seem natural to me. All the boys around me started having girl friends but girls never seemed interested in me.
The rare occasions when I'd find the courage to talk to one, she would always say she liked me but I wasn't her type which really hurt my self image what there was of it. It also verified there really was something wrong with me. That I wasn't like other boys and yet couldn't be a girl either. I would often cry myself to sleep at night at being trapped in a male role I didn't feel comfortable with.
WATERING - When I turned fourteen, and Halloween was approaching, the small town I grew up in was preparing for it's annual Halloween parade. My mother had grown concerned with my always staying by myself and thought I should get out and learn to socialize more. In an attempt to help me, she suggested I join the other kids in town and join in the parade.
"You need to get involved with the other children more.", she said as she kept trying to get me to face my fears. Not feeling comfortable around the other kids for fear of further rejection and ridicule, I said I can't because I don't have a costume. She told me she'd come up with something leaving me to halfheartedly agree to go. I knew she did sewing for several local families and could easily make me a costume.
The night before the parade she called me into the room and said she was finished with my costume and needed me to try it on to make sure it fit. I didn't think much about it as I said O.K. I was thrown into shock when she lifted it out of her basket and held it up for me to see. It was a girls dress and brought all kinds of feelings up with it. My heart started to pound as I said I couldn't wear a dress as everyone would make fun of me. She then held up a mask and said no one would know it was me and for me to stop being such a baby about it. That cut me like a two edged sword but I was powerless to say anything.
As she held it up against me, I felt a strange calming and secret pleasure in my actually getting to wear a dress without repercussions. Acting reluctant so as to hide my true feelings, I changed into the dress and stood while she tied the sash behind me. It felt thrilling though I tried not to show my pleasure. Stepping me back so she could check it over, she remarked what a pretty girl I would have made.
My heart ached to tell her how I really felt but I dared not as she had me walk around the room a couple of times. I sensed she was enjoying it as much as me as she seemed more excited as well. All I could think of was of wanting to keep the dress on for the rest of the day but I knew I couldn't. I hated having to take it off when she asked but also had to hide any hint of my true desires.
I grew excited and very anxious as I looked forward to the parade. Finally the time had come as my mother again helped me into the dress. She then brushed my short length hair and revealed a matching hat. "I made this to hide your short hair.", she said as she slipped it over my head. I was dizzy with delight as I secretly fantasized I was a real little girl. She then handed me some white socks saying my black ones didn't look right.
Moments later we stepped outside as I donned the mask and we walked down to where the parade was gathering. I was delirious as I felt the cool air on my bare legs. Everything seemed like a fantasy world of wonderful senses as I tried to hold the moment wishing it could go on forever. The parade went on without a hitch as everyone walked the several blocks while spectators lined the curbs and cheered. Several times I curtsied as everyone smiled and waved back. I felt accepted as a real girl and I was in heaven once again.
When the parade finally arrived back at the starting point, I felt a sudden wave of sadness my dream was about to end never to be experienced again. My mother was waiting and asked how I liked it. I was truthful when I said it was fun but she didn't know to what extent. When we got home, I tried everything to delay having to remove the dress while also not showing my pleasure in wearing it.
I think she suspected something though as she also seemed to hate seeing me change back. "Maybe we can do this again next year.", she said as she lifted the dress over my head. As I finished putting my own clothes back on, I couldn't hide my feelings any longer as I started to cry. "What's the matter?", she asked with the concern of a mother. I stumbled to give reason for my tears yet being afraid to tell her the truth. "I just feel bad not having been the little girl you wanted.", I returned.
"Oh, honey. That's all right. It doesn't really bother me that much. You make me just as happy." Pulling me to her, she wrapped me in her arms as I cried while telling her I loved her very much. "I love you too. Now dry your eyes and don't ever worry about that again." Gaining my composure, I stood back up feeling a bit better though still a little empty inside. I hated that a part of who I was had to be kept a secret. "I'm O.K. now. I don't know what came over me, mom." Sitting down in the chair across from her, I watched as she folded the dress and placed it in a bag. "I'll wash this tomorrow before returning it to our neighbor.
My eyes were fixed on the garment right up until it disappeared. I never got to dress up or participated in another parade the rest of the time I lived at home. I guess I was just considered too old for such things.
My life seemed to go better for the next couple of years without much changing. I managed to have a couple of dates but was so nervous, the girls wouldn't go out with me a second time. I did finally find a few friends to hang around with and we did the usual boy things such as hiking, going to the beach and even fishing. The only thing missing was having anything to do with girls. When I turned sixteen, I got a job and bought a car giving me more freedom to get out of the house. As my friends began having a steady girlfriend, I was usually left behind to find a new friend. By the time I was seventeen, all my friends were involved with someone and I became an odd wheel.
Loneliness returned as I again felt I was different and abnormal. I had become very attached to my mother and was often called a mamma's boy by the local bullies. My being very short kept me at their mercy as I was too small to fight them. My size only added to my feeling passive and more like girls. I knew I wasn't suppose to be so attached to my mom but I had no one else to share life with. I finally felt I was doomed to being codependent on my mother for the rest of my life if I didn't break the strings. In a moment of bravery, I went and joined the service. My last sight of my mother was of her standing on the dock of the train station, crying as I boarded for boot camp. At that moment I wasn't so sure I'd made the right decision but it was too late to turn back.
Written by: Cindy Marie