Baby On Board
BABY ON BOARD
Baby On Board
(My TRUE biography)
I came into this world in 1943, born out of wedlock and raised as an only child. In order for my mother to keep from putting me up for adoption, she boarded me out with a local family who took in several boy boarders and had one child of their own, a girl about a year older than myself.
I stayed with this family up until eleven years old and able to care for myself while my mother worked to support the two of us. Though the woman was married, I only remember seeing her husband a few times. He was a farmer and had several parcels of land scattered around so I guess he always worked late. The few times I did see him, I remember he use to pick me up off the floor by just my hair and carried me around while laughing, thinking it was funny. It didn't really hurt but his strength really terrified me. It is at this boarding house my story unfolds.
My first encounter with abuse started when I was six and just prior to my first year in school. Up until this point, I think I was a fairly normal young boy with few emotional issues. It was an early summer morning and I was playing in the back yard with the other children.
Suddenly, I needed to use the bathroom and not wanting to stop playing long enough to go inside, I went behind a tree to relieve myself. The youngest boy seeing me, ran inside and told the woman what I'd done. I was really scared as she called me in and asked if what she heard was true. I cried I wouldn't do it again as I confessed, fearing a spanking.
Without hesitation, she ordered me to get undressed. I was puzzled by her demand but frightened of disobeying her as I began to remove my clothes. As I did, I heard her call the other children in and had them line up across the room. I felt ashamed that I was about to be spanked in front of the others as I got down to just my underwear and shoes.
Seeing I had stopped, she snapped angrily, "I told you to get undressed and that means all of them. Now get your clothes off." My heart was racing out of control now as I felt horrified at having to get naked in front of everyone, let alone being spanked while they watched. I could hardly untie my shoes as my hands shook with fear of my pending doom.
Just as my T-shirt was about to clear my head, I heard her tell her daughter to go and get a couple of the baby's diapers and some diaper pins. Terror filled my mind as I now realized her true intent. Before I could react, I felt her yank the shirt from my head and grabbing my arm, started to drag me towards the kitchen table. I screamed and kicked as I struggled to get free but she was too strong.
Lifting me onto the table, she forced me onto my back, all the while I kicked frantically as though my very life was at stake. My feet hit her glasses, knocking them off and onto the floor as she grew angrier and called the other boys over to hold me down. Her daughter returned and handed her the diapers as she wedged herself between my legs. She then told her daughter to leave the room until called as she removed my underpants.
I kept struggling frantically to get free while she refolded the diapers. Ordering the boys to lift me up, she slid the diapers under me and pulled the first corners together. Though my eyes were blurred with tears, I managed to look down and see her just as she was removing one of the pins from her mouth and pulling the diaper tight, fastened it together.
My mind reeled with terror as I felt her repeat this with the other corners though she labored harder under my squirming. "Be still if you don't want to get stuck.", she warned as I felt the diapers grow snug, imprisoning me in my shame. The moment the second pin snapped shut, I felt all my resistance slip away as I stopped fighting and gave in to defeat. It was here that I lost my self esteem, my dignity stripped from my soul. My shame was complete and I couldn't stop it.
My feelings were not unlike having been gang raped. I went numb as she lifted me to a sitting position and told me that since I didn't want to use the bathroom like a big boy, now I didn't have to, I could use my diapers. Her words terrified me as I saw her smile victoriously at my helpless defeat.
Letting me down to the floor, she stood me across from the others as I instinctively covered my front with my hands. I felt panic as I heard her call her daughter back to join the others. "Put your hands behind your back so everyone can see what a baby you are.", she demanded as I offered no resistance and obeyed. "Now look down at yourself and tell everyone what your wearing and why.", she added as I felt my shame intensify at the sight of the diapers. I could only sob in response as she ordered everyone to laugh and call me a baby.
I could see they were scared as they tried to respond, though it didn't lessen my humiliation. After a few moments, she told everyone to return outside. I just stood dazed and shaking as she turned and said, "You too."
Horrified by her words, I begged to stay inside. To my surprise, she said, O.K., adding, "But you'd better not try and remove those diapers until I give you permission. Now run along and play until I call you for lunch." Everything seemed surreal as I went into the living room, trying to accept this was really happening. I felt cold and naked wearing just a diaper and it kept me constantly aware of my shame. The rest of the day is broken into smaller fragments of my memory so there will be gaps as events take place. I can only put down what I remember if I'm to keep this as accurate and truthful as possible.
My next memory is of being called to lunch. As I entered the kitchen, I again felt panic as I spotted the baby's high chair pulled up to the table. "Your to sit here.", she said as she ordered me to climb up. I still remember vividly of her struggling with the tray, trying to get it to snap into place and of how it made me feel as though I was being entrapped and helpless.
Being so high also made me feel I was being put on display as I lowered my eyes and starred hard at the tray. I couldn't look at the others though I felt all eyes were upon me. I don't remember what I ate but clearly of being giving a very large glass of milk with instructions I was to finish it before I would be allowed down. At the time I didn't give thought to the cause and effect of her demand but reflecting back, I now see the depth of her cruelty. The next thing I recall is of being let down long after the others had returned outdoors.
Sometime had passed before the milk took effect and I again needed to use the bathroom. Over the next hour or so, I went to her several times begging to have the diapers removed so I could go to the bathroom. Each time, she responded that was what the diapers were for. She kept repeating, "You didn't want to use the bathroom before so now you can just use your diapers."
Nature's demand kept getting stronger as I grew more terrified with each refusal. The cramps soon had me folded over as I clenched my stomach in painful despair. In desperation I made one last plea as my resistance grew weak only to be told not to bother her again if I didn't want a spanking.
Slipping into the den just off the living room, I grabbed hold of myself in an attempt to hold back the horror of still further shame and disgrace. It was hopeless as I felt the wetness surrounding my fingers. The painful cramps begged to be eased as I helplessly released my grip in defeat. The diapers grew warm and wet, quickly spreading and running down my legs to form a puddle at my feet. If there was anything left of who I was, it was also seeping out of me.
I can still remember looking behind me at my footprints on the worn linoleum as I tried to step onto dryer flooring. Suddenly, I heard the woman's voice as I turned to the doorway. Looking triumphantly at me, she said, "What have we here? Does baby need his diaper changed?" Her words deepened my shame as I burst into tears, begging to now have thediapers removed.
Unmoved, she said she was too busy and that I'd have to wait until she had the time. She then took my hand and led me into the living room while telling me I couldn't be running around in wet diapers as I'd get the furniture wet. I continued crying to have the diapers removed but she just ignored my pleas as she took me over to the baby's playpen and told me I would have to stay in it until she could change me.
I couldn't stop crying as she helped me over the railing and ordered me to sit down. The last thing I remember is her threatening to stick a pacifier in my mouth if I didn't quiet down. I can't remember another thing for the remainder of the day. I have some hazy images of being teased by the other children while in the playpen but they are so vague I'm not sure if that actually happened.
It wasn't until bedtime before my memory returns. I was standing by the hall doorway as the other boys passed by to go upstairs for their baths before going to bed. I remember the diapers still feeling wet and cold as I looked down in shame as the others silently walked past me. Everything seemed unreal as though I wasn't really there but seeing the room through the window of my mind. It's as if I withdrew inside my head to keep from dealing with the world outside myself.
It wasn't long after the last one went upstairs before the woman came in and told me to go to my bedroom and wait for her. I felt some relief that my punishment was about to be over as though the end of the day also brings an end to everything else. As I stood just inside the doorway, I watched the boys entering one by one and climb into bed. Though still feeling numb and detached, I became anxious for the woman to come and remove the diapers. I thought of how good it was going to be to take a bath and finally have my clothes back.
When she came in, she walked right past me as though I wasn't there and went over to my bed. Because there was only three beds and four of us, I usually slept with the youngest boy who was already in bed. I started to feel alarmed when I heard her tell him he was to sleep with one of the other boys for the night. A change in the sleeping arrangement made me feel uneasy but I quickly pushed it from my mind. I guess I just couldn't think of anything except my torment being almost over.
It wasn't until I saw her pull back the bed covers and spread some sort of sheet over my bed that I again became alarmed and felt panic return. I again burst into tears as she ordered me over and told me to climb in. My whole being shut down again as I offered no resistance and blankly did as I was told. She then told me to roll over onto my stomach intensifying my awareness of my wet attire. She then left the room, turning out the lights behind her.
As I laid there in the darkness, I slowly calmed down as memories of the days events haunted my thoughts. Everything took on a feeling of being surreal as though it was some kind of bad dream. Slipping my hand down between my legs, I was reaffirmed it was true as I felt the still damp diapers stir fresh feelings of shame. With images of all that I'd gone through and of how I was still dressed, I began to feel very juvenile as though I might actually have been changed back into a baby. Strangely, it started to feel comforting and safe in the darkness as though surrendering to it also brought a sense of being freed of my shame. Bathing in the thought, exhaustion took over and I drifted off to sleep.
I don't have any memory of the next morning at all though I've tried many times to remember. The next thing I do recall was her talking to me a few days later just before my mother was due to pick me up for my weekend visit. She warned me to keep quiet about what happened or it would be much worst the next time. That my mother would only approve and insist I should be punishment for a much longer period.
I was so frightened, I dared not say a word though I was also so ashamed I probably wouldn't have anyway. All memory of the remainder of the year is blank. My counselor said I probably shut down from the trauma as that was quiet common in such cases. It is a mechanism of the body as a defense against things we can't deal with. I can only imagine the torments I received from the other children during that time.
The next memory I have is of an act of kindness from the woman, almost a year later. The children had a toy safe styled penny bank and no one could get it opened. When I tried it, I accidentally found the combination and it opened. The woman said that since I was the one to get it opened, it was mine. That was all it took to bring me back from what I call the dead zone.
It wasn't but a couple of months later when I was almost through with the first grade when I was once again traumatized with shame. I was in class just before the bell and needed to use the bathroom. I asked the teacher to be excused but she felt since it was close to dismissal, I could wait. When the bell rang, I had forgotten about my need as it seemed to have gone away.
However, on the way back to the boarding house, the urge returned only much stronger. I was a little worried but struggled with belief I could still make it home. As I started to run, it got worst but I dared not go behind a tree. (understandably). Just as I approached the front door, I could feel my pants getting wet as I grabbed myself in desperation and darted inside to make a dash for the bathroom. My luck wasn't with me as I ran into the woman just at the foot of the stairs. I tried to turn to hide the fact I was holding myself but she thought I was hiding something I shouldn't have.
She snapped, "What do you have there?" I became scared and said it wasn't anything. She came up behind me and grabbing me, turned me around to see what I had. It caused me to lose my grip and I started to wet myself even more. Pure terror flooded my senses as she stood back in surprise.
"What's this!", she exclaimed as I felt my pants legs getting wetter. I burst into tears as I tried to explain I couldn't help it. That it was an accident. She calmed down and told me to go clean up and get changed. I darted up stairs and quickly did as told. After changing, I descended the stairs, growing fearful of what she might do. I was both surprised and relieved when she acted as though nothing happened as I nervously passed her and went outside. By supper time I had nearly forgotten about my accident and everything seemed as usual. By bedtime, it was completely forgotten.
One by one, we boys climbed the stairs for our baths and when it was my turn, I followed suit. When I got to the top of the stairs, the woman stuck her head out from her bedroom and stopped me. "After your bath, come by my room.", she said calmly. I didn't think much about it as I continued with my duties. Once I was in clean underwear, (we always slept in our underwear), I went down the hall to see what she wanted. I knocked on her door and she opened it, telling me to come in. As I entered I started to feel puzzled as to what she could possibly want just as the door closed behind me.
"Your to sleep in here tonight.", she said as I became more confused and slightly alarmed. Looking around the room, I asked where. In response, she pointed over at the baby crib at the far wall and said, "Your to sleep there." I immediately went numb and started shaking but surprisingly I didn't cry. It was as though I'd learned to shut down as a way of reacting to things I couldn't deal with.
Taking my hand, she directed me to the crib and ordered me to climb in as she helped me over the rails. Ordering me to lay down, I remember feeling my head and feet almost touching the head and foot boards and wishing I was just a little taller so I couldn't fit. Leaning over the railing, she asked "Do you know what happens to little boys who wet their pants?" Now I started to cry as the reality of what was happening became real.
"You'd better be quiet if you don't want the other children to come in and see what a cry baby you are.", she warned as I tried to stop crying. Though I managed to quiet down, my tears kept flowing as familiar feelings of shame returned. Terrified, I watched as she went over to her bed and stood with her back to me. I looked up at the ceiling trying to shut out what was happening but quickly turned back as she again approached. Waving some diapers in my face, she said, "Since you can't seem to control yourself, I guess you must still need these."
I cried for her not to continue with pleas I won't have any more accidents but she just laid the diapers down beside me and reached for my underpants. My head started to spin as I felt her tug at them while telling me to rise up. When I struggled to get free, she slapped my leg with a warning I'd better settle down or she'd have to get the others to help. That put fresh new fears in me as I reeled with panic. "Do you want me to go and get the others?", she asked knowing I didn't. I felt confused and yet helpless as I laid back down trying to gather my thoughts.
"That's better. Now if you do as your told, no one else will have to know what a baby you are. If not, I'll see that you remain in diapers for a week. Do you understand?" I quivered from my pending shame as I silently surrendered to her demands. I was trapped and at her mercy as she again told me to rise up a little.
Flash backs to my last experience with diapers returned as I felt my underpants slip down and off my feet. I felt numb, yet horribly degraded as the diapers were slipped under me. I stared hard at the ceiling while trying to disassociate myself from what she was doing but the image of my shame became vivid as she pulled the diapers taunt and fastened them. My tears continued to flow silently as she finished up and took my
underpants away saying I wouldn't need them for awhile.
That's the last thing I can remember until waking up to an empty room in the morning and just laying there for what seemed an hour. I felt cold as I waited, not knowing what to do. That's all I can remember though I've tried many times.
(Not the end)
Written by: Cindy Marie