Baby On Board Part 4
BABY ON BOARD PART 4
Baby On Board - Part 4
(My TRUE biography)
Boot camp was very difficult for me because being put down and called a scum bag or lowly worm really intensified my already low self esteem. I was closing inward with every attack. Shortly after I had arrived, I was called to the Commander of the base and told I was too short to qualify for being a Marine. But that since I was already sworn in, they had to keep me. All I could think of was that was O.K. I was willing to forget the whole thing. But I was in to stay and the shortest Marine on the base. I wasn't in boot camp very long before another problem arose.
When we were out on the parade field for drill, I started needing to go to the bathroom more and more frequently until I was finally refused and ended up wetting myself. My shame was unbearable as this continued a few more times until I was finally sent to the base Psychological Observation Unit. I felt I was being committed as I watch the other patients go through anything from epileptic attacks to just delirium.
Then one evening, I lost it and ran out of the building in a frightful escape. Of course I was caught and returned. The next day I was sent to the doctor in charge and he asked what had happened. I told him I just felt like I was being locked up in a mental institution. That I was afraid of my mother finding out because I didn't want to let her down by failing as a soldier. He typed something out and putting it in an envelope, handed it to me. "Take this to your commander and he will reassign you to a new squadron.
As I walked to the main office, I grew curious what the note said about me. Carefully slipping it open, I read that my new squadron leader was to not send me back to the clinic for any reason. That I was to finish training and graduate at any cost. I felt relieved as I turned it in and was assigned a new squadron.
On the parade field, I was giving special permission to go to the bathroom whenever I needed and surprisingly I soon didn't need to go any more than anyone else. I finished boot camp without any further problems and even got a sharpshooter badge for the rifle range.
Over the next three years I developed a little more confidence in myself and felt more comfortable around other men. Since I had joined, my fetishes seemed to have gone away completely including thoughts of wanting to be a girl. Even so, I felt I didn't know how to act like other guys because I was still so passive. To me they seemed to have nothing but sex on their minds, treating and thinking of women as nothing more than sexual objects to conquer. I felt confused as to why women were attracted to them over someone like myself who wanted to really care for and respect them instead of use them.
In time I started to think most women were as bad as the men they dated. That they also just wanted sex as bad as the men. What I was really feeling was anger that they didn't want me no matter how nice I tried to be. One of the guys in my barracks gave me several addresses of girls he'd struck out with. He said I could trade them around with other guys for new ones if they didn't write back. That night I wrote twelve girls, two of whom wrote back. One of them was only twelve years old so I didn't write back but the other one sounded interesting.
I quickly wrote her again and sent a picture asking for one in return. When it came I was amazed at how beautiful she was.
Blonde hair with blue eyes and even two inches shorter than myself which was always a problem. Besides being shy, most girls I found attractive were always taller than me which also kept me from trying to get to know them.
I wrote her several times and my excitement of her writing back made my heart climb. For the first time I felt I could be normal, I could be interesting and most of all I could be really liked. No, not sexually. But for just being me. Then I got a letter that set me on a path that changed my whole life. She wrote that she was pregnant and thought it was only right to let me know before I became too interested in her. Heck, in my needy state of mind, I was already hooked and her honesty only confirmed she had decent morals. I quickly wrote back extending my heart and caring for her situation. In my mind she was yet another victim of heartless men.
After all, all women were victims and men were selfish, cruel animals in my mind. That's pretty much what my mother had taught me as I grew up. She always said that women wanted a man to love them for themselves and to be treated with respect. She said most men use women for their own satisfaction and women were so easily fooled they believed them. I wanted to show this girl I was different, that I cared about her in spite of her problems. I told her I was coming to see her and not to worry. Yes, I felt the desire to be a knight in shining armor for her and that it would show what a wonderful man I was.
I got a weekend pass and traveled across two states to see her. I didn't really have enough time to go so far but I was determined as though her life was at stake. When I arrived, she didn't even recognize me at first. She had thought I was much taller and though she didn't tell me until much later, she was somewhat disappointed. Still, she welcomed me and I met her family. They didn't know about the baby as she was very afraid and tried to hide it by wearing sack dresses.
Being uncomfortable around her family, I asked if she'd like to go for a ride. We didn't get a mile away when I pulled into a small dirt roadside stop. Turning off the car, I turned and looked hard at her trying to sort what I was about to say. She in turn was scared having just met me and here I'd taken her to an isolated spot. Taking her hand, I said I wanted to be there for her. That I felt I was in love with her and wanted to erase her every worry. I then told her I wanted the child to have a father so he wouldn't feel what I had felt. She was stunned and confused at such a shocking offer.
"But I don't even know you. How could you love me?", she asked, her mind spinning with disbelief. I said I didn't know but that I had such a deep caring for her I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. "It's just too quick. I can't accept your offer though I'm flattered.", she responded. I said I understood and that I didn't want to rush her into anything. That sounds funny now that I reflect back.
The rest of the day we went riding as she showed me the local sites. By that night, we both felt a little more at ease with each other. I took her to a drive-in movie and as we sat watching it, my mind was reeling at her loosing interest in me once I had to go back to the base. I thought she'd be so far away, I'd probably loose her just because I couldn't be with her. I also worried about what was going to happen when her parents found out about the baby. A desperation feeling of emergency swelled up in me as I again asked her to marry me.
I gave her every reason to accept that I could think of. It will give the baby a name. I would protect her and be there for her. That it was a solution to her dilemma. That I knew she didn't love me but once she saw what kind of guy I was, she might find some love for me. In her confused and fearful state she finally gave in and accepted. My heart soared with delight as I held her close and kept telling she wouldn't be sorry.
That evening, I asked her to come back to the base with me and we could get married within a few days. But I added, we needed to tell her folks about the baby. I could see she was frightened at that so I told her I'd handle it. Being the knight in shining armor again, I sent her up stairs to her bedroom and asked her mother to come into the kitchen. I was very gentle as I worked hard at the best way to tell her. The moment I did, she jumped up in anger to head for her daughter's room. I grabbed her arm and demanded she sit back down and finish hearing me out.
She asked if it was mine and I said no but that it didn't matter, I loved her daughter and wanted to take care of her. I then told her that she shouldn't show her daughter her anger because her daughter was very scared and needed desperately to know she was still loved. After I felt she had calmed down and understood the seriousness of her actions, I let her go and talk to her daughter. It was some time as I waited for her to return. When she did, her daughter was following behind her with a tear drenched face.
I quickly summed up everyone's condition and then said I need to take her for a ride so she could calm down and collect her thoughts. Once we were in the car, I wiped her eyes dry while assuring her everything was going to be all right. She hugged me and I felt ever so right in what I was doing. After we returned, I had her pack her clothes as I told the mother our plans and not to worry. That I was very much in love with her daughter and would take good care of her and the baby. We left before I could talk to her father because he worked a night shift. Though I had met him on arriving, I never saw him again.
He still didn't know about the baby or that I was taking his daughter out of state. I was fearful of his coming after us as we drove back to my base but he never did. Once I checked in, I told my Sergeant what had happened and he offered to help us find a place for her to stay until we got married. We found an elderly couple who were glad to help out and I paid them for her room and board before going back to the base for the night. I spent every free moment I could with her between my duties and while setting up a wedding arrangement with a local preacher.
In the mean time, she and my Sergeant's wife found a small place we could live in until base housing could be arranged. We were soon married and that evening, I became aware we hadn't ever even had sex together and here we were married. That's was the first time that I began to realize how crazy this whole thing was. I felt fearful as I'd never had sex before and felt I was going to be a disappointment when she found out. She had already had to teach me how to kiss properly. I finally sat down and though I was very nervous, I told her about my lack of experience. She said that it was all right, that it was easy and I would learn.
That night she introduced me to my first experience though I was shaking and not much of a partner. Still, we laid there in each others arms and held each other tightly. The next morning I went to the base for my days duties only to be greeted by the whole squad lined up outside the hanger in formation. The Commander said I had thirty minutes to go get my gear packed and get back. A war had broken out in the Dominican Republic. Terrified of going to war after just one night of being married felt like the worst nightmare that could have happened.
After explaining things to my wife, I quickly packed up and returned to the base. My Sergeant said our wives were going to stay together until we returned and that it would help them to cope as well. Once we arrived at the island, we were told we would be there at least a month but no one knew how much longer than that. We were told to be prepared to remain for much longer if needed. I felt numb as I tried to accept the nightmare I was in. I wrote back to my wife several times a day trying to hang onto what few memories we had together.
I felt a growing concern she wouldn't want me when I did get back because I knew she didn't really love me and we didn't even have time to really get to know each other. I poured my heart out in my letters, trying to keep my love alive in her thoughts. We ended up staying there almost three months and every moment felt like another brick being placed between me and my new wife.
When I returned to the states, I was surprised that she had found another place for us to live and had even started decorating it with what little money we had. We kind of talked in generalities while trying to regain some sense of knowing each other. We both felt like total strangers and yet we knew we were married. It was a really strange feeling to say the least. That evening was even harder for we knew we would be sleeping together and yet we felt like we were on our first date.
After supper, I went and sat on the couch while she straightened up a bit. I could feel the tension and distance between us and felt I needed to do something. I stood up and going over to her, I tried to give her a hug but she jumped back as though frightened. "What's the matter?", I asked, fearful of what I might hear. "I don't love you. I could never love you.", she responded as she seemed in shock. I too was in shock as panic ran chills all over me.
She turned and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I felt total panic, fearful of what she might do next. I begged her to come out but all was quiet. I banged on the door pleading over and over for her to let me know she was all right. Still no sound. Just as I was about to break the door down, she came out and just stood frozen, staring straight ahead as though she had gone into a trance. I asked her to talk but she just stared as though I wasn't there. My world felt like it was spinning all around me as I fell onto the couch and burst into tears.
The next thing I knew, she was putting her arms around me and comforted me with real emotion as though what just happened, didn't. I was so grateful, I didn't even try to probe. I just hugged her back, thankful for whatever affection she gave. Things settled down after awhile but the fear of how fragile our relationship was, haunted me every moment we had to be apart. Things kept getting better after that for a couple of months but our sex seemed to get worst. She seemed distant and didn't want me to touch her for weeks at a time.
I started to feel rejected as though she had finally discovered I wasn't much of a man and was regretting having married me. I wanted so much to be a wonderful husband and lover for her but I didn't know how to act or what to say. Knowing she had much more experience than me, I asked her what I was doing wrong and would she tell me how a man was suppose to act.
She said I was just fine, that it was her. I felt she was missing someone else before we had met, possibly the man who fathered our son. After all, she was only three months pregnant when I came along. I also worried because there were so many young men around that might sway her to them as that's what always happened back home whenever I met someone I liked.
My insecurities grew as I asked more and more questions about her past, searching for what I was doing wrong or at worst, finding out she still loved someone else. She never let out any of her feelings while I poured all mine in full view. We were so different in so many ways. As the baby's delivery time grew closer, our sex became nonexistent. All I could feel was alarms going off that after the baby was born, she would leave me. I tried everything to show her my love but nothing seemed to help.
Seeing my frustration at our not having any sexual time together, she volunteered to satisfy me by hand. I had never had that before and reluctantly agreed but with the understanding she didn't have to do it. I didn't marry her for sex and though I enjoyed it, I could do without rather than make her feel obligated. She said she really wanted to do it so I would feel better. That maybe after the baby was born, things would get better again.
I was relaxed again as this became a frequent form of pleasure. For her, she said she didn't need it as she was hurting too much from the baby. She delivered a beautiful baby boy and I felt such joy in now being a father. Then something weird happened.
About a month after the baby was born, and she was preparing to satisfy my sexual needs, she said she had an idea that I might like better at least until she was healed and we could return to regular sex. Knowing how I missed being close to her during these sexual events, she told me to wait until she returned. I was excited as I asked her what she had in mind but she just said, you'll see. When she returned to the bed, my heart started to race with anticipation as I watched her climb in.
My eyes were glued to her as she reached down beside the bed and pulled up a few of the baby's diapers. I went wild as I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. She didn't know about my past with what she was planning to do. I could hardly think clearly as I watched her drape the diapers across her lap and told me to climb on. I was delirious as I followed her instructions. Now you can make love to me almost as if for real.
She didn't know anything about how the diapers made me so excited as I experienced the best climax I'd ever had. Afterwards, I fell back and a flood of guilt ripped at my dignity. I felt so ashamed for feeling as I did and yet I could say nothing. We repeated this ritual a few more times before she eventually stopped offering it and we returned to regular sex. That was also short lived though as it quickly became infrequent again, sometimes for several months apart.
My thoughts became more confused as I felt myself again being drawn to diapers. They were everywhere and it kept my urges on a roller coaster ride. I tried not to think about it but they kept getting me aroused. I felt uncomfortable yet had no escape. Little by little, I found reasons to have her go out to buy something while I returned to my fetishes.
Guilt and feelings I was really mentally sick also returned. I tried to replace the compulsions by reaching out to my wife even though I was always afraid to ask for sex. I guess I was afraid of rejection because that made my fears of her finding someone else stronger. I was in a paradox and didn't know how to get out of it. I couldn't tell her of my fetish and I couldn't get away from the temptation of the diapers always being around.
Then one day, while she was out and I was bringing some diapers to the bedroom for my little ritual, I saw one of her baby doll pajamas laying on the bed. Flashes of being a baby girl, all helpless and sweet and lovable, flooded my mind. I lost all control as I diapered myself and dawned the pajamas. It felt like heaven both sexually exciting and calming all at the same time. I felt sexy and yet pretty and baby like.
After pleasing myself, I just laid there for awhile soaking in the wonderful sensations I was feeling. I felt like I was someone's little baby girl and really cuddled and loved. It was the best feelings I'd ever had. I knew at that moment, this need wasn't ever going to go away. I wrapped my arms around myself and let my mind slip into my being a real baby girl for just a few moments as the world and all my worries faded away. I had found both peace and real happiness. My world was soft and safe.
No more dark, gloomy colors surrounded me. Instead everything was powder puff fresh and filled with colorful pastels. I can't describe how I felt any better than that. I continued to try and make our relationship work but also had found a solution, be that what it may. Though my feelings of guilt remained, I settled in and accepted my dilemma. This became a weekly event except when she was willing to be close and continued for the duration of my enlistment.
After getting out of the service, we settled down in her home town. I didn't want to get too close to my home for fear of again returning to CO-dependence with my mother so I agreed her home was fine. It was tough at first as we lived at her folks house but we finally got our own place and settled into married life. I really loved my son and spent a lot of time playing with him. We were married around three years when we both agreed to have a second child. That's when I told her of my having wanted a sister as far back as I can remember. That I would love to have a daughter to pamper and adore. We didn't need to try very long before she was again expecting.
When the child was born, the doctor told me it was a little girl and I didn't believe him. I just couldn't believe I got what I wanted. I made him say it several times as I was so excited and happy. Now our lives seemed more like a family as we focused on raising two children. Things didn't seem to improve between us sexually though as distance returned. I still sensed something was wrong and still felt emptiness in wanting to be close to her.
I became depressed that we just weren't meant for each other and I'd been a fool for jumping into a relationship so quickly. I returned to asking more and more about her past, trying to search for answers as to what was happening to us. Little by little I found out she wasn't the innocent victim I'd thought but had been very promiscuous since she was raped at sixteen. She had been having sex with service guys she didn't even know, almost weekly, for several years before I came along. My heart felt heavy as I tried to accept it and let it die in the past but it wouldn't go away.
"What about the baby?", I asked though I wished I hadn't. She didn't know who the father was, she replied calmly. I then said I felt there was someone else still standing between us. She admitted she still thought about a guy she knew just before me but that it didn't mean she didn't love me. After all, I was her husband. Where did I hear something like that before. "Was he the father?", I asked. "No. We never had sex together. He was the first guy that wouldn't do it with me no matter how hard I tried."
I took all of what she said in as my heart grew cold and dark. I thought about the time frame of the events she just described and something didn't make sense. If she was three months pregnant when I met her and he was not the father, then she couldn't have known him for more than a couple of months. Yet all these years later, she still thinks of him with some yearning. I couldn't believe she could care for someone for this long and he didn't even stand by her when she needed him. I thought, here I not only stood by her but I married her and gave the child a name and was doing all I could to show her I love her. Yet she doesn't really desire me after all this time. My happiness grew darker and darker as I wished I had never asked her about her past.
This also made me feel even more like I wasn't capable of being desired. That something really was wrong with me. I felt I shouldn't have married her not for my sake but for hers. I had used her pregnancy to trap her into marrying me, though not intentionally, and have kept her from meeting someone she'd be happier with. In private, I cried many times about it and often went to my fetishes for relief. Though we seemed cordial, we could both feel a silent tension between us. Over time this seemed to lessen and we found some kind of middle ground.
(To Be Cont)
Written by: Cindy Marie